Just a few minutes into the movie Crazy Rich Asians, the guy sitting next to me in the cinema started making this weird “HHHHH HHHHH” noise.

(and no not that weird internal cough, snort, phlegm thing that many asian men do)

He seemed to be choking on something – maybe wasabi popcorn or a small toy not suitable for children under the age of three. So I did what anyone would do: I just ignored him and waited until it stopped or he died. But he didn’t do either of those things – he kept HHHHing and HHHHHing. Then I realised … he was … laughing. He was laughing at this movie. Which didn’t make sense to me: it was an extremely unfunny, unromantic unrom-noncom with no laughy bits in it.

                                                                                                     I’d rather watch a plate dry.

Constance Wu as Rachel Chu in Crazy Rich Asians.

So I gave him a sideward glance, as if to say: “WTF?, do you really find this film funny? It’s just a dull, vacuous soapie that seems to be making some kind of point about the rise of Asia as the dominant global economic powerhouse in the 21st century, but the message is murky. “Verrrrry murky.” It was a long sideward glance almost a bit dagger eyes. I had to throw in a little after-shoulder-bitch-face-shrug so he knew when I was done.

He immediately sideward-glanced right back at me, as if to say: “Are you f#$%ng kidding Bro? This film is so funny! It’s so on trend and I think the plot is really rad, they must have great Producers (even though I have no idea what a Producer is) Dude anyway whatevs it’s certified fresh on Rotten Tomatoes – it’s got an approval rating of 93 per cent on the Tomatometer! Maybe you’re the one with no sense of humour, hmmm?” Actually his was a bit more Bitchy Gangnam Style glare. I was wayyy more glance-polite.

That’s when I noticed / heard other people in the cinema making “HHHHH HHHH” noises; all of them laughing, doing that weird inside cough-snorting or possibly choking on small toys. I did a massive loud SIGH, as if to say-with an eye roll included: “Oh c’mon people! I can’t believe you’re all enjoying this crap! I mean, sure it’s great to have a mainstream studios film with an all-Asian cast, but the acting is clunky, the characters are cliches and the plot – what plot?

Crazy Rich Asians

My SIGH was rudely interrupted by a ‘Double Bay’ woman in her 60’s (hard to tell with the amount of filler she had in her face – she may have been 37) sitting on the other side of me. She readjusted her elbow on the armrest, as if to say: “Yes, we all heard you Darling, Now shut up and let us watch this delightfully engaging romp!” The couple in front of me turned their heads, as if to say: “Yeah, the whole world’s gone cray cray for Crazy Rich Asians! It’s a box office smash man! What’s wrong with you?”

Everyone was against me.

So I sat in cranky silence, wondering if it was just me? Am I that out of touch with popular asian culture or pop culture in general? I don’t seem to get (or care to get actually) a lot of things everyone else seems to get.

I don’t get this Crazian (crazy asian) movie. I don’t get Snap Chat (how many more chatting platforms you need?) I don’t get why men are still shopping at TaroCash when we have Zara. I don’t get why everyone thinks Liam Hemsworth is attractive. I don’t get cous cous, polenta or tofu (it’s just trying to annoy me and stop me from eating my glorious meat) and I don’t get Joel Creasey, he is not entertaining, funny or a comedian – He’s just a bitch who knows how to network, that’s it.

I would have kept wondering about all the things I don’t get, but the lesbian behind me (she had Lesbian written in capitals on her T-shirt) “accidentally” knee’d the back of my seat, as if to say: “Oi we can still hear you – Just go!” Well I’m definitely not leaving if being told to do so by a lesbian, so I gave in and watched the movie. Eighteen Minutes in; 104 minutes to go.

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