Steen Bøje Jensen – gone, but not forgotten.
Australia Day means a lot of things to many different people, the day Captain Cook first set foot on Australian land who many of us now proudly call our home, the day the British ‘invaded’ and claimed Australia as there own – taking it from the Aboriginal people who were and still are the original land owners or just another public holiday where you can get
shit faced drunk. For me though it’s the anniversary of my fathers death, he passed away on Australia Day 2016.
Before he passed, my dad had been in a ‘defacto’ realtionship with a ‘crazy lady norway’ woman for about 18 years. I can only describe her as the Evil Stepmother from Cinderella and I was
am Cinderella. 18 years of constant arse kissing with this evil stepmum, I tried as much as I could but nothing ever worked, she was just a c#nt.
She enjoyed ‘drunk dialing’ my mother telling her how much of an awful child and son I was and a terrible mother she was (I also cared for my Dad for 2 years before he died of cancer) I had a great realtionship with my dad, we both share the same DGAF attitude and believe humour is the best medicine to lifes problems. Dad arrived in Australia from Denmark on a boat (took 3 months) nearly 50 years ago > people still would ask me “How long has your father been in Australia for?” Dad’s Danish accent was still very strong, so it did sound like he had literally just stepped off the boat – lol.
My brother and I both knew Dad wouldn’t write a Will for us, purely because he had no money. We also knew ‘Crazy Lady Norway’ would never include us in her Will, she’d rather burn her money than give anything to us.
side note: Both of her son’s aged in their late 30’s and when I was in my early 20’s unfortunatley committed suicide, 1 year after the other – which is very sad indeed, but because she was so nasty and horrible all of her other family had completley cut her off – she had no one, except of course my dad.
I knew she (her parents) had ‘old’ money, their family name is well know in the eastern suburbs of sydney, but again I didn’t even really think twice about her money as I was adament she’d give everything to a waste – recyclying place up the road or ship it back to Norway, First Class. Also as my dad’s cancer was getting worse I really thought he would go first. I used to have panic attacks thinking of her trying to f$ck around with his funeral after his death.
Even though they were in a ‘defacto’ relationship for 18 years they didn’t live in the same property for the last 8. Dad lived directly across the road from her because it was the only way he could enjoy his own space and watch the soccer in peace and quiet – she’d constantly nag and annoy him on purpose, so he’d tell her to politley “f$ck off, please” < always please, always polite 🙂 she’d call the police for domestic violence – swearing…
Her house was a giant corner block that she owned outright (dad was renting) also the massive terrace had a shop on the lower level, she sold
mostly 2nd hand crap and antiques, she knew antiques very well. Every year at Christmas she would go back to see her one and most likely only friend in Norway, she’d ask dad to look after the shop and house while she was gone. Towards the end he could barely stand or walk so I told him just to say ‘yes’ and I would sit him there so he could watch but I’d do all the ‘hussle’ I think he liked that part the most. I definitely got my sales and people skills from my dad (bit viking / gypsy) and thank god I got my cinderella looks from my mum! We’d only open the shop maybe 3 days – the rest of those glorious ‘crazy lady norway’ free days we just got to spend with each other – him and me. Just before Christmas we got ‘the phone call’ – it was her one and only friend from Norway – crying, screaming into the mobile. Apparently she hadn’t listened to her friends safety tips regarding the recent freezing of ice on the roads and didn’t do a special chain thing to grip the cars tyres > straight off the end of a giant fyord cliff. Dead. herdi bloody gerdi.
Dad and I were in total shock, more him than me (the woman was like a god damn cat but with unlimited lives instead of 9, she’d had a few close calls) – Dad did have to deal with her craziness daily for 15 years… I took him back across the road to his place and put him to bed, In the dark of night, holding my breath I was already on the move back to her house.
I HAD TO THINK QUICK < End of the World, Zombie Apocalypse Style
I couldn’t tell my brother or Dad about what I was doing, they loved to gossip, even more than two 85 year old women – they would have easily let it slip. So I called ‘a friend’ and told him to go buy another mobile phone and SIM card then to call me back > “don’t ask questions, you and your dad will both get more than $10,000 cash each“- now not saying this is a cultural thing but when you say that to an Arab, shit gets done and done FAST, he called back 10 minutes later, it was 11pm. I told him I needed both his and his fathers help, I also needed their removalists truck and I needed it right NOW > please. Again no questions, they were there within 25 minutes, lights off, engine off, backed up and rolled the truck towards the rear garage.
‘Crazy Lady Norway’ assumed I knew nothing about her, her family money or what an antique even was. But I had 2 years (caring for my Dad) to watch, learn and study. I knew how much nearly every single item in her house was worth $ (not her bedroom though – I do have some respect) so with all the lights low and absolutley no speaking, I started pointing at the things on my mental ‘check list’, one by one they were quietly loaded into the back of the truck. While father and son were busy packing my inheritance, I decided it was time to go upstairs, to her bedroom (I wasn’t allowed to go upstairs, not even to use the bathroom..) was really weird actually as I’d never seen it before – being norwegian I assumed it would be a big giant white box – I wasn’t far off. The first thing I grabbed was her jewellery box (obviosuly) and then started looking in all the secret places one would hide things, things like diamonds etc ( and yes I looked in her freezer lol ) but while I was looking I stumbled across this bunch of papers in a plastic bag – It was her bloody WILL! I thought, well it doesn’t matter because I’m ‘gifting’ myself and my brother about 700 – 800k for 15 years of pain & suffering and knowing for a fact my brother and I would get zilch anway. Then I thought ‘shit, what if she left Dad out of her Will?….‘ again I always thought he would pass away first not her, so I hadn’t really thought or mentally preparred myself for this scenario > Ok fine, just read the bloody Will, but do it fast.
There was no rude shock really, I already knew she was a c#nt > she had specifically written in her Will that my Dad was to recieve from her estate a $40 blue vase….. that – was – it. The rest of her estate etc was to be put into a norwegian trust fund for her two 6 year old nieces who she had never met, and they could only access there inheritance money when they turned 27. The nieces mother and ‘crazy lady norway’s’ only living sibling was her sister in Norway. Her sister was extremelly kind and caring but ‘crazy lady norway’ hated her, her sister also got a $40 blue vase. As she would have had no idea about the events that would unfold leading to her herdi-gerdi-end on that slippery norwegian fjord, she had clumsily left in this bag with her Will a ton of documents, inclduing notes with dates, times and questions for herself and her lawyer. I could also see questions she had written in previous meetings with him dating back one year, she would see her lawyer easily once a week, no less then 20-30 questions with long written explanations underneath each one. It also randomly included the deeds to her house…hmmmmm – Yes I was VERY tempted don’t you worry about that, as there was one full bitchy page written in her Will entirley on my faults, she was trying to have the last word, well so she thought.
I went down stairs, did a quick intenerary check (still no questions from them, nothing lol) I handed my friend and his dad her jewellery box (no idea what was inside, it’s never been discussed since) I then handed his father a set of keys, keys to a 1959 BMW 507 classic which ‘crazy lady norway’s’ father had brought with them fron Norway when they immigrated to Australia. I told my friend to drive the truck alone and park it in their factory and that his dad would follow him home in his new car 🙂 I knew his family didn’t have a lot of money so to see his dads face confused then shocked and then cry, made it all worth it – I believe those BMW’s are worth anywhwere between 2.5 – 5 MILLION $.
After the BMW 507 quietly rolled away with the lights off, a big grin and wave, I could now focus on her Will. From the Lawyer’s notes and her own I could see she had intended to meet with him a day after she returned back to Sydney. She had already signed her Will but no date, the lawyer hadn’t signed or dated it. Calculating, I sat down on a cheap stool, a spot where her $8000 original Danish lounges and Danish rose oak $3000 antique desk used to be, I poured myself a cognac, took a swig and spat it out > yuk, hate cognac, – trying to be all fancy n shit lol.
I wrote my father back into her Will, not for her money but so he could live out the rest of his days peacefully in her house and with out fear of being kicked out at any given moment. I also made provisions for her estate to pay a weekly allowance to my father of $1000, but there were conditions. The conditions were the money was to be giving to him only in $200 lots (so 5 times a week) and only by my brother (they didn’t have the greatest realtiosnhip, so I was forcing them to bond – remember the good times and not the bad) I changed my dads blue $40 vase name to my brothers name and her sisters $40 blue vase name to my name.
Then I addressed her sister directly and apologised for all the mean and cold hearted things I (she) had done, that I (she) carried that guilt and burden with me (her) for all my (her) life and I (she) was so so sorry. I changed the wording to say as soon as my father had peacefully passed and his funeral arrangments had been taken care of, that the trustee of her estate (the lawyer) was to pay in full 100% of the remaning estate, stocks, life insurance and some weird norwegian pension set up to one beneficiary and one beneficiary only – “my (her) beautiful, loving sister. xx’ – the total sum I believe paid to her sister was somewhere in the vicinity of 148 MILLION $
>>Sign ‘Crazy Lady Norway’s’ name < DATED – LIGHTS-OFF – DONE<<
And done it was. Because of the extensive notes she had left for me and my two years of study, learning and listening – everything went to plan. One week later I told my brother that I had found money when I was cleaning out her freezer (scandinavians are a bit odd like that,.. so he never questioned it, especially when I told him he would be getting 398k cash-money) I was left with a bit less than my brother but when I left that night I left with her prized Aston Martin which I quietly sold later that week for 285k.
I also left with a big f$ck you smile on my face – I got the last word. 😉 Miss you Dad x
*parts of this article are fictional.