People often say the key to confidence and success in life is simply to not “give a fuck.”

In life, you often refer to the strongest, most admirable people you know in terms of their lack of fucks given. Like “Oh, look at John working weekends again, he doesn’t give a fuck.” Or “Did you hear that Brandon called the managing director a fuckhead and he still got that promotion anyway? Shit, that guy doesn’t give a fuck.” Or “Justin got up and ended his date with Scott after 20 minutes, he said he wasn’t going to listen to his bullshit anymore. wow, that guy really doesn’t give a fuck.”

Chances are you know somebody in your life who at one point or another did not give a fuck and they went on to accomplish amazing things. Perhaps there was a time in your life where you simply did not give a fuck and excelled to some extraordinary heights.

Now, while not giving a fuck may seem simple on the surface, it’s a whole new bag of tricks under the hood. < I don’t even know what that sentence means, but I don’t give a fuck. A bag of tricks sounds fucking great. #bagoftricks

What I mean is most of us struggle throughout our lives by giving way too many fucks in situations where fucks do not deserve to be given. You give a fuck about the Chinese dry cleaner who gave you $10 worth of change in 20 cent pieces. You give a fuck about who was asked to leave on elimination night on The Bachelor. You give a fuck when your co-workers don’t bother asking you about your amazing weekend and instead just talk about themselves and you give a fuck when even though it’s summer you are still wet from sweat and the high fucking humidity levels in Australia.

So many fucks given everywhere. Thrown about like hay-fever in mother-fucking spring, and for what purpose? For what reason? Convenience? Easy comforts? A pat on the fucking back maybe? < This is the problem.

Because when you give too many fucks, when you choose to give a fuck about everything and anyone, you then feel as though you are perpetually entitled to feel comfortable and happy at all times, that’s when life fucks you.

Indeed, the ability to reserve your fucks for only the most fuck-worthy of situations would surely make life a hell of a lot easier. Failure would be less terrifying. Rejection less painful, unpleasant necessities more pleasant and unsavory shit sandwiches a little bit more savory. I mean if you could only give a few less fucks or a few more consciously-directed fucks, then your life would feel pretty fucking easy.

What most don’t realise is that there is a fine art to not giving a fuck. People aren’t just born not giving a fuck. In fact, people are born giving way too many fucks. Ever watched a 3 year old kid cry his eyes out because he asked for a $80 Lego set but you got him a $20 Kmart one instead? Exactly. Fuck that kid.

no fucks given

Developing the ability to control and manage the fucks you give is the essence of strength and integrity. You must craft and hone in your lack of fuckery over the course of years and even decades. Like a fine wine, your fucks must age into a premium drop, only uncorked and given on the most special of fucking occasions.

This may sound easy, but it’s not. Most of us, most of the time get sucked in by life’s mean trivialities, steamrolled by its unimportant dramas. You live and die by the side notes and distractions and vicissitudes that suck the fucks out of you.

This is no way to live. So stop fucking around. Get your fucks together. And here, allow me to fucking show you.

1 – Not Giving A Fuck Does Not Mean Being Indifferent, It Means Being Comfortable With Being Different

When most people envision giving no fucks whatsoever, they believe it’s a kind of perfect and serene indifference to everything, a calm that weathers all storms.

This is crap, there is absolutely nothing admirable or confident about indifference. People who are indifferent are lame, boring or scared. They’re couch potatoes and internet trolls. In fact, indifferent people often attempt to be indifferent because in reality they actually give too many fucks. They are afraid of the world and the repercussions of their own choices. Therefore, they make none. They hide in a dull emotionless pit of their own making, self-absorbed and self-pitied, perpetually distracting themselves from this unfortunate thing demanding their time and energy called life.

Then there are the People who don’t give a fuck about adversity or failure or embarrassing themselves or shitting the bed a few times. These are the people who just laugh and then do it again they can laugh at themselves, because they just don’t care. They know it’s more important than them and their own feelings and their own pride and their own needs. They say “Fuck it,” not to everything in life, but rather they say “Fuck it” to everything unimportant in life. They reserve their fucks for what truly fucking matters. Friends. Family. Purpose. Tequila and maybe the occasional Facebook rant. Because of that, because they reserve their fucks for only the important things in life, people give a fuck about them in return.

2 – To Not Give A Fuck About Adversity, You Must First Give A Fuck About Something More Important Than Adversity

Eric Hoffer once wrote: “A man is likely to mind his own business when it is worth minding. When it is not, he takes his mind off his own meaningless affairs by minding other people’s business.”

The problem with people who hand out fucks like ice cream at a goddamn fat camp is that they don’t have anything more fuckworthy to dedicate their fucks to.

Picture this – You’re at Coles and there’s an elderly woman screaming at the Indian check out assistant, berating him for not honoring her expired by 1 day ‘Coles Half Price dollar dazzler’. I mean why does she even give a fuck? It’s only a saving of $2.

Why? I’ll tell you why. That old woman probably doesn’t have anything better to do with her days than sipping tea and combing through her junk mail for specials of the week. She’s old, lonely and her kids are probably dickheads and never visit. She hasn’t had sex in over 30 years, she wears a diaper because she can’t fart without shitting and she can’t watch TV for more than 15 minutes before falling asleep or forgetting the plot of the movie.

So, she dedicates her life to being dont-give-no-fucks frugal. That’s all she’s got. All day, every day. It’s all she can give a fuck about because there is nothing else to give a fuck about. So when that Indian Coles check out assistant refuses to accept her expired offer, when he defends Coles terms and conditions the way knights used to defend a maidens virginity, you can bet your bloody life that nan is going to verbally erupt. 84 years of fucks will rain down all at once, like a fiery hailstorm of “Back in my day” and “People used to show more respect” stories, boring and annoying the world around her to tears.

If you find yourself consistently giving too many fucks about trivial drama or bullshit that bothers you, your ex-boyfriend’s new Facebook picture, how long it takes for the kettle to boil, missing out on yet another 2-for-1 sale on hand sanitiser at Aldi’s – chances are you don’t have much going on in your life to give a legitimate fuck about. That’s your real problem. Not the hand sanitiser  – you give way too many fucks.

In life your fucks must mean something, there really is no such thing as not giving a fuck. The question is how you choose to give those fucks. You only get a limited number of fucks to give over your lifetime, so you have to treat them with care. As my Dad used to say, “Fucks don’t grow on trees, Bodie.” OK, he never actually said that (with a heavy danish accent I could barely understand what he was saying anyway) The point is that fucks have to be earned and then invested wisely. Fucks are like a carefully planted garden, where if you fuck shit up and the fucks get fucked, then you’ve fucking fucked your fucks all the fuck up < got it?

3 – You Only Have A Limited Number Of Fucks To Give, So Pay Close Attention Who You Give Them To

When you’re young, you have tons of energy and everything is new and exciting. Everything seems to matter so much more. Therefore, you tend to give tons of fucks. You give a fuck about everything and anyone, about what people are saying about you, about whether that hot guy from the gym msgd you back on Grindr or about other peoples business, consuming your life in their drama.

Then you hit your 30’s (and def get more handsome) you gain more life experience and begin to notice that most of those trivial things in your early 20’s have little to no impact on your life. Those people’s opinions you cared so much about before have long been erased from your memory. You found the love you need, so those embarrassing romantic rejections cease to mean so much anymore. You realise how little people pay attention to the superficial details you used to manifest about and instead you focus on doing things more for yourself rather than for others.

Essentially you become more selective about the fucks you’re willing to give. This is something called ‘maturity’ Maturity is what happens when you learn to only give a fuck about what’s truly fuckworthy. As Bunk Moreland said in The Wire to his partner Detective McNulty “That’s what you get for giving a fuck when it wasn’t your turn to give a fuck.”

Then you grow older, enter middle age and something else begins to change. Your energy levels drop, your identities solidify and you’re comfortable with who you are. You have no desire to change what now seems inevitable in your life.

In a strange way you feel liberated. You no longer need to give a fuck about anything. Life is just what it is. You accept it, farts and all. You realise that you’re never going to cure cancer or win ‘The X Factor’ and that’s OK, life fucking goes on. You now limit your ever-dwindling fucks only for the most truly fuckworthy parts of your life, your family, your best friends, your sunday drinking sessions or just having a good old bitch about that bitch face. Not surprisingly this actually makes you feel really fucking happy.

Much later in life you wake up and you’re old, along with your gum lines and your sex life your ability to give a fuck has almost come to the point of non-existence. In your twilight days you carry out a paradoxical existence where you no longer have the time or energy to give a fuck about the big things in life, instead you must dedicate the few fucks you have left to the simple and mundane yet increasingly difficult aspects of your life, such as – where to eat lunch, specialist and doctors appointments, your children’s lives, Coles Half Price Dollar Dazzler specials of the week and driving without falling asleep.

Finally, you’re on your deathbed and hopefully surrounded by the people you gave the majority of your fucks to throughout your life and those few who still give a fuck about you. And with a silent gasp you gently let out your last ‘fuck you‘. Through the tears and the gentle fading beeps of the heart monitor, the screaming of public hospital nurses and the dimming fluorescent light encapsulating you in its divine hospital halo, you drift off into some unknowable, unfamiliar and unfuckable holy void.

Namaste, Fuckface – The End

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